Last thought of 2015

2015 had been a wonderful year 🙂

Finally, I am hanging out with people that click. Although irritating people appeared and difficult times came, I was really grateful that my friends were there for me and encouraging me to move on. While looking through my diary, there is post that struck me. This post reflected my fear of being cheated emotionally. Till today, this fear still exists but subtle. I am afraid that this feeling will return and haunt me.

(The following is written on 28 April 2015)

This is the period for the finals. But my mind just could not stop pondering about things when I stop studying.

I started thinking about people. I mean “people” in general. Sometimes, I wander how can one be so sociable and have so many friends. And then out of the blue, I realise that my friendship, currently, is based on nothing but a set of lies- a bunch of lies that is totally necessary for me to stay afloat.

Some of you would rebut and said that I shouldn’t have done that. They must be thinking that true friends accept each other for who they are and what they have. BULLSHIT.  There was a time when my best friend dumped me when my life has taken a turn for the worse. That was the result of me being too truthful and naïve.

Then, some of you would say that my incessant lying would earn me more of such people around me. Well… I have my own way of doing this. I am not going to disclose too much about it… this is not the point of today’s entry.

Frankly speaking, I do not have many friends. I am very quiet but inside me, I think a lot. Yes, I have a lot of friends in my contact list and on my Facebook, but how many of them can I count on when I am in deep trouble? Such questions, I dare not ponder too deep. Therefore, I feel that I don’t have many friends.

Every time I meet someone new, I am happy to say that my social circle had widened. But another side of me bothered me a little: my social circle widen but does that mean that there is another friend to be there when I need it?

At times, I feel lonely. I don’t know who to open up to. If I share my true story to them, will they still accept me? I rather share my story anonymously to a complete stranger that I would never meet again than open up to my friends.

People, in general, thrive to be the best. And its obvious that every one wants the best for themselves, including friends who have good qualities. To be frank, everyone wears that mask when they are outside their house. No one wants to share their ugly side to someone whom they are friends with. Nobody wants an ugly friend, a friend who has many unwanted qualities, complicated background, etc.

Everyone lies to get what they want. Its just the extend of how they do it. For me, I just want good and kind people to be my friends, I just want quality companionship, that’s all I am asking for.

Although I am starting to walk out of this shadow, it is a matter of time that I will go back in again. I wish that things stay the way it is  next year. I want my uni friends to stay with me, through this adventurous journey in NUS.

Thank you for reading and wishing you a happy 2016.